I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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