after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
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I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
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how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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