There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
