can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
