I accidentally had phone sex last night
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
