i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
