6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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