i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
