Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Randomize
