I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
