great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
