How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
