The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Every concussion has its silver lining
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
