so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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