I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
