My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
