but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
