first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
