I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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