my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
