I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
