pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
