Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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