Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I think I won the penis lottery.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
