Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
