Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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