Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
