i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
