i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
