OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
