i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
