3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
