she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
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