Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
