mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
