Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
