I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
My bed smells like the plague
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
