I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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