You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
