There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
