Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
