im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He is an equal opportunity slut.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
