I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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