if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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