she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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