I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize