Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
