I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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