he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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