**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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