is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
