Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
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