WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
