I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
