i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
