Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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